My first crush

I remember the first time. I remember exactly where I was. I remember the radio playing on one of the normal music channels, and I had never felt like that before. It was just a normal pop-song, and that was eleven years ago.

Luckily, I heard and remembered the name of the song. That Christmas, I got the album with the song on CD. I listened to it till I knew the order of the songs by heart. When asked about it however I remember feeling nervous and embarrassed, even wanting to deny that I had a favorite song at all. Conveniently however, my best friend at the time liked the same singer and we sat on my bedroom floor together, listened to the CD, and sang along to the songs till we knew all the words. Each time we listened, we would find something new in the texts, and while growing up with the songs I have found more meaning that my ten year old self did not see.

The fact that the song I was crushing on went on to become one of the most well known and influential pop songs of the decade in the entire country did not matter to me. So far in my life, I had primarily listened to two CDs – one was Madonna’s ‘Confessions on a Dance Floor’ and the other was with childrens’ songs – so anything new was welcome. Especially if it was something that felt like my own. Which it did, because all the other girls in my class were primarily listening to Justin Bieber at the time.

Since this first crush of mine, there have been many others. Like the song that I danced to both at a school disco, and then again at a club in The Hague. There have also been several complicated, emotional, but also long term relationships through the years. There has been the song I listened to every night on my drive home from work; the song that played on the radio practically every hour when I was at work; the song we did a dance performance to; the song I listened to when I could not fall asleep; the song that makes me think of my friend, and the one that makes me homesick.

Despite crushing on music since I was little, I have not become a musician. I do not know more than two chords on the guitar, and I apologize if you have ever heard me sing. I once participated in a Christmas concert my school organized just for the fun of it. Little did I know that they actually expected us to know something about music. I was given a paper without any text, just sheet music, and tried to hide that I could not read it to the best of my abilities. For a while I thought dancing was my musical expression and spent many hours practicing it. However, my tall build and large scope were not always in my favor. For example, during the performance of the same concert as just mentioned, my main focus was to not accidentally cause a fire when spinning too close to the many burning candles.

After all these years of different musical relationships, I still find it difficult to tell people what my favorite song is, like I want to keep the music I listen to a secret. Like it is something private which is slightly embarrassing to share. Even though the song is made by someone I will never meet and is available online for the entire world to listen to. If someone I don’t know too well asks me what music I listen to, I find it almost as embarrassing as if they would have asked me if I fancy someone. And just in the same manner, I will answer something vague and open-ended.

But I will share my first crush with you, so here you go. My crush, since 2011: ‘Jag kommer’ by Veronica Maggio. Preferably to be blasted on a car ride or sung with friends for ultimate effect.

By Martina




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