Why Birds Should Be Canceled

Dear Reader, 

I have a confession to make. I hate birds. No, I’m not indifferent to them, and no, I do not dislike them. I specifically hate them. Now, I know about half of you are already raising your pitchforks, ready to cancel me for being an enemy of the animal kingdom, but allow me to present the reasons why it’s actually the birds that should be canceled. 

  1. Unpredictability 

Birds are wild animals that are fast and extremely stupid. That’s a bad combination, right? Now, on top of all that, add wings into the mix, and you have a recipe for disaster. Wings and an IQ in the single digits is how you get crows that fry themselves on power lines, and pigeons that fly into windows at full speed. Now, I’d be perfectly content to leave birds to embark on their apparent quest of self-destruction if it weren’t for the fact that their actions put my personal safety at risk. These creatures don’t even have the decency to give you a courtesy squawk before they whizz past your head, or even worse, hurl themselves onto the bench you’re sitting on. 

  1. Shit, Shit, and more Shit 

Aside from their flight path, birds also apparently have trouble controlling their bowels, because they shit absolutely everywhere. Sidewalks, windows, freshly washed cars, you name it, they shit on it. I don’t go around defecating on other people’s property, so why should birds get a free pass? 

  1. Noise 

Birds are very vocal creatures, especially at 6:30 a.m on Sunday mornings. Instead of enjoying the extra hours of sleep that weekends bless us with, we are jolted awake by the incessant chirping of some gerbil with wings. And this isn’t the sing-song chirping from Disney movies, it’s one note that is sung over, and over, and over again. Sorry Mr. Bird, if I was Simon Cowell, you would not be going to Hollywood. Now please let me get some sleep. 

  1. Petty Theft 

While most birds are safety hazards due to their stupidity, a select few are actually quite intelligent. Instead of harnessing their intellect for good however, they use it to find new ways to steal your property. Countless sandwiches and ice cream cones have fallen victim to these beaked menaces, and there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight to their crime spree. It’s only a matter of time before they ditch the chips and start going for our iPhones. 

Now I know that some people will make the argument that birds are a valued part of our environment, playing an essential role in balancing ecosystems all around the world. My response to that is: I don’t care. Find some other animals to balance the ecosystem (Capybaras for example, are a wonderful addition to any environment) but leave my ice cream cone, my park bench, and my sleep schedule alone. 

(Note: this article does not apply to chickens, ducks, or penguins). 

By Krzysztof 




Image from Unsplash

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